Thoughts About My Father

When I was a kid I idolized my father.  For whatever reason, he was like a super hero to me.  As I grew older, I began to see him from a different perspective.  I started to see the flaws in him.  I still loved my father, but he was not the super hero that I made him out to be.  He was just a man.  There were so many things about him that I just didn't understand.  I wanted him to be more than I thought he was.  Somewhere along the way I lost sight of who he was and paid too much attention to who he wasn't. Because of that I couldn't appreciate him the way I should have.
      When I was blessed with a family of my own, I began to have a better understanding of my father.  While we never  really had a lot of those father-son talks, we had one that completely changed everything I thought about him.  He explained to me that he didn't have someone to teaching him how to be a husband and a father.   He was learning on the job.  He admitted that he had made a lot of mistakes, but how he was, what he was, was all that he knew how to be.  He knew he wanted to be better. As he said to me that day, "I wasn't too old to learn." That statement alone changed how I saw my father.  I didn't realize it at that time, but I was watching my father grow.  I saw a side of my father that I had never seen. Once again, he became my hero.  Here was a man in his sixties, with all of his kids grown, and he still wanted to be a better father and a better husband.  I had the privilege of seeing him do both.
       That was the only heart-to-heart that I ever had with my father.  I wasn't the type to go to him when I had problems or when I found myself in need.  The funny thing is, when he passed, one of the first things I thought was, "Where am I going to turn for advice?", "Who am I going to talk to now?" Nine years later, and I am just starting to understand why.  Without ever saying a word, I was getting advice from my father just by watching him.  I watched how he reacted in difficult times.  I watched how he stayed strong despite circumstances that I'm sure must have made him, at times, feel weak.  My father was the living example, for me, of all the do's and don'ts.
           Now, there is a part of me that yearns to talk to my father.  I realize now, that just watching wasn't enough.  Sometimes I just want to know what he was feeling at various times.  I want to know just what was going on underneath that calm exterior. I find myself wanting to know his emotions.  As a father and a husband, at times it can be overwhelming to think that God has placed the well being of a couple of His children in my hands, and every decision I make, no matter how small it may seem, affects my family in some way, shape, or form.  My father was limited in how much guidance he could provide.  Now God wants me to stop looking to my father for guidance and turn to Him for guidance. I am learning day by day to look at life and my role as a husband and father thru God's perspective.  I thank Him for my father and the examples he's shown me, both good and bad.